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My life falls together

but falls apart

“why are you scared?”

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4 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone Having A Panic Attack

Thought Catalog

Panic attacks send adrenaline all over your body. When I have one, my heart races and my hands shake like someone’s doing brain surgery on me while I’m awake. The rest of my body might shiver or tremble with little seizures. My arms sometimes feel numb. It feels like someone replaced my heart with a thrumming hammer — and not a cool one handled by Chris Hemsworth, a really sh-tty one that might explode in my chest robot! Dick Cheney-style.

Since I can’t control when and where they’ll occur, I’ve had everyone from my brother (helpful!) to a random airline stewardess (not so helpful!) try to assist me when I’m panicking. Trying to help someone through a panic attack is really hard. I imagine seeing someone overcome with anxiety makes other people feel helpless and afraid. Should you rub their back? Should you sing to them? Should you call 911?…

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comfortably numb

comfortably numb, really is what i am most often

i have two selves

sick and well, separate.

sick is the one everyone walks on eggshells around and slinks away with discomfort at the panicked tears and fast words of impending doom and constant apologies while it sits and cries and cries. it screams with anger and anguish until it finally cracks the glass with it’s already bloodied fist

well is the one that people say “i love you” more often to and it feels like i can breathe through lungs that aren’t coated with tar and fear. it can feel sun and light through my skin. it feels human

right now numb’s ok

watching them both battle each other, far far far away

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Hi I hate this website but I’m a blogger somewhere else

I’m only here for reading poetry guys
So if any of my inactive (or if you are active, idk!) followers are interested in my active microblog come visit me at

bitchinkamui @ tumblr

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Jay and Becca

I’m sorry I didn’t get to know Jay that well. I know we’re both from the city (or in my case, the north shore). That’s cool. Chicago is cool. He’s gonna be great at that sports thing he does. I’m excited to hear about him in the future.

Becca is one of my best friends. She’s my roommate too. She puts up with my crazy and looks out for me. She’s awesome and I hope we stay friends for a really long time. I’m glad she moved in, honestly. (Except when I kick her out for alone time with my girlfriend lol). I’m so bad at putting my affections towards people in words but wow Becca’s really cool. Take my word for it.

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Dana and Fabricio

Wow, what rad people.

Dana’s rad as hell. She’s a singer and she’s in choir and that’s awesome. I wish I could do that. She always says hi to me when I see her and it makes me smile. From what I remember of her flashes, she’s a really good writer too!! She also always looks really nice, which is really cool too. I wish I could do my makeup everyday and look pretty like she does!!

Fabricio is my neighbor. He’s a dancer, like a really good one. He was in my acting class for .2 seconds and from what I could tell he was pretty good at Alex Miller’s games, lol. Sometimes I talk at him and he laughs at the shit I say. I don’t know if he actually thinks I’m funny or if he feels bad for me. Also im loud in my room sometimes and I don’t know how he deals with me.

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Thanksgiving break??

I had a pretty good thanksgiving. At least I was reminded pretty forcefully         that I have things to be thankful for.
I actually fell asleep before I packed and when I woke up my dad was in the parking lot. Oops. Becca helped me pack quickly though so it was fine.
My dad drove me home. 6 hours. The usual.
When I got home, I saw my animals and smoked with my mom and got food.
I spent thanksgiving with my best friend Julianna from home. I had dinner (and wine *winky face*) with her family. The next morning for Black Friday, we went shopping on Michigan Avenue (her parents gave me a monetary holiday gift). I’m really thankful I got to do that.

I had a Fall Out Boy concert that night. That was really fun. I met up with Hayley (my other best friend from home) and we went. It was rad as hell. We were really tired so we went back to her house and chilled and went to sleep.

Fast forward to Sunday. Long story short, my dad rear ended a guy on the I-55 to Millikin, our radiator blew up, and I freaked out and went home. No one was hurt (which is where the forced thankfulness comes in), but I’m still sore and anxious about it. I came back Wednesday and surprised my girlfriend.

I’m blessed. I have a lot to be grateful for.
I just wish I did more with the blessings I’ve been given.

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